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s。 I want him to make some little sign of assent； I want him； anyway； not to refuse me； then I want to give him God's pardon。 Then； though that's not essential； I want to anoint him。 It is nothing； a touch of the fingers； just some oil from this little box； look it is nothing to hurt him。'
'Oh； Julia；' said Cara； 'what are we to say？ Let me speak to him。'
She went to the Chinese drawing…room； we waited in silence； there was a wall of fire between Julia and me。 Presently Cara returned。
'I don't think he heard；' she said。 'I thought I knew how to put it to him。 I said： 〃'Alex； you remember the priest from Melstead。 You were very naughty when he came to see you。 You hurt his feelings very much。 Now he's here again。 I want you to see him just for my sake； to make friends。〃 But he didn't answer。 If he's unconscious； it couldn't make him unhappy to see the priest； could it； doctor？'
Julia； who had been standing still and silent； suddenly moved。
'Thank you for your advice； doctor；' she said。 'I take full responsibility for whatever happens。 Father Mackay； will you please e and see my father now；' and without looking at me； led him to the door。
We all followed。 Lord Marchmain was lying as I had seen him that morning； but his eyes were now shut； his hands lay； palms upwards； above the bed…clothes； the nurse had her fingers on the pulse of one of them。 'e in；' she said brightly； 'you won't disturb him now。'
'D'you mean。。。'
'No； no； but he's past noticing anything。'
She held the oxygen apparatus to his face and the hiss of escaping gas was the only sound at the bedside。
The priest bent over Lord Marchmain and blessed him。 Julia and Cara knelt at the foot of the bed。 The doctor； the nurse； and I stood behind them。
'Now；' said the priest； 'I know you are sorry for all the sins of your life； aren't you？ Make a sign； if you can。 You're sorry； aren't you？' But there was no sign。 'Try and remember your sins； tell God you are sorry。 I am going to give you absolution。 While I am giving it； tell God you are sorry you have offended him。' He began to speak in Latin。 I recognized the words 'ego te absolvo in nomine Patris。。。' and saw the priest make the sign of the cross。 Then I knelt； too； and prayed： 'O God；。if there is a God； forgive him his sins； if there is such thing as sin；' and the man on the bed opened his eyes and gave a sigh； the sort of sigh I had imagined people made at the moment of death； but his eyes moved so that we knew there was still life in him。
I suddenly felt the longing for a sign； if only of courtesy； if only for the sake of the woman I loved； who knelt in front of me； praying； I knew； for a sign。 It seemed so small a thing that was asked； the bare acknowledgement of a present； a nod in the crowd。 I prayed more simply； 'God forgive him his sins' and 'Please God； make him accept your forgiveness。'
So small a thing to ask。
The priest took the little silver box from his pocket and spoke again in Latin； touching the dying man with an oil wad； he finished what he had to do； put away the box and gave the final blessing。 Suddenly Lord Marchmain moved his hand to his forehead； I thought he had felt the touch of the chrism and was wiping it away。 'O God；' I prayed； 'don't let him do that。' But there was no need for fear； the hand moved slowly down his breast； then to his shoulder； and Lord Marchmain made the sign of the cross。 Then I knew that the sign I had asked for was not a little thing； not a passing nod of recognition； and a phrase came back to me from my childhood of the veil of the temple being rent from top to bottom。
It was over； we stood up； the nurse went back to the oxygen cylinder； the doctor bent over his patient。 Julia whispered to me： 'Will you see Father Mackay out？ I'm staying here for a little。'
Outside the door Father Mackay became the simple； genial man I had known before。 'Well； now； and that was a beautiful thing to me。 I've known it happen that way again and again。 The devil resists to the last moment and then the Grace of God is too much for him。 You're not a Catholic I think； Mr Ryder； but at least you'll be glad for the ladies to have the fort of it。'
As we were waiting for the chauffeur； it occurred to me that Father Mackay should be paid for his services。 I asked him awkwardly。 'Why； don't think about it； Mr Ryder。 It was a pleasure；' he said； 'but anything you care to give is useful in a parish like mine。'。I found I had three pounds in my note…case and gave them to him。 'Why； indeed； that's more than generous。 God bless you； Mr Ryder。 I'll call again； but I don't think the poor soul has 1ong for this world。'
Julia remained in the Chinese drawing…room until； at five o'clock that evening； her father died proving both； sides right in the dispute； priest and doctor。
Thus I e to the broken sentences which were the last words spoken between Julia and me； the last memories。
When her father died Julia remained some minutes with his body； the nurse came to the next room to announce the news and I had a glimpse of her through the open door； kneeling at the foot of the bed； and of Cara sitting by her。 Presently the two women came out together； and Julia said to me： 'Not now； I'm just taking Cara up to her room； later。'
While she was still upstairs Brideshead and Cordelia arrived from London； when at last we met alone it was by stealth； like young lovers。
Julia said： 'Here in the shadow； in the corner of the stair … a minute to say good…bye。'
'So long to say so little。'
'You knew？'
'Since this morning； since before this morning； all this year。'
'I didn't know till today。 Oh； my dear； if you could only understand。 Then I could bear to part； or bear it better。 I should say my heart was breaking； if I believed in broken hearts。 I can't marry you； Charles； I can't be with you ever again。'
'I know。'
'How can you know？'
'What will you do？'
'Just go on … alone。 How can I tell what I shall do？ You know the whole of me。 You know I'm not one for a life of mourning。 I've always been bad。 Probably I shall be bad again； punished again。 But the worse I am； the more I need God。 I can't shut myself out from his mercy。 That is what it would mean； starting a life with you； without him。 One can only hope to see one step ahead。 But I saw today there was one thing unforgivable … like things in the school…room； so bad they were unpunishable； that only mummy could deal with … the bad thing I was on the point of doing； that I'm not quite bad enough to do； to set up a rival good to God's。 Why should I be allowed to understand that； and not you； Charles？ It may be because of mummy； nanny； Cordelia； Sebastian … perhaps Bridey and Mrs Muspratt … keeping my name in their prayers； or it may be a private bargain between me and God； that if I give up this one thing I want so much； however bad I am； he won't quite despair of me in the end。
'Now we shall both be alone； and I shall have no way of making you understand。'
'I don't want to make it easier for you；' I said； 'I hope your heart may break； but I do understand。'
The avalanche was down； the hillside swept bare behind it； the last echoes died on the white slopes； the new mound glittered and lay still in the silent valley。
EPILOGUE
BRIDESHEAD REVISITED
'THE worst place we've struck yet；' said the manding officer； 'no facilities； no amenities； and Brigade sitting right on top of us。 There's one pub in Flyte St Mary with capacity for about twenty … that； of course； will be out of bounds for officers； there's a Naafi in the camp area。 I hope to run transport once a week to Melstead Carbury。 Marchmain is ten miles away and damn…all when you get there。 It will therefore be the first concern of pany officers to organize recreation for their men。 M。O。； I want you to take a look at the lakes to see if they're fit for bathing。'
'Very good； sir。'
'Brigade expects us to clean up the house for them。 I should have thought some of those half…shaven scrim…shankers I see lounging round Headquarters might have saved us the trouble； however。。。Ryder； you will find a party of fifty and report to the Quartering andant at the house at 10