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'Not very。 That's why I went。 It's quite near you know from Spain to Tunis。 He's with the monks there。'
'I hope they look… after him properly。 I expect they find him a regular handful。 He always sends to me at Christmas； but it's not the same as having him home。 Why you must all always be going abroad I never did understand。 Just like his Lordship。 When there was that talk about going to war with Munich； I said to myself； 〃There's Cordelia and Sebastian and his Lordship all abroad； that'll be very awkward for them。〃 '
'I wanted him to e home with me； but he wouldn't。 He's got a beard now； you know； and he's very religious。'
'That I won't believe； not even if I see it。 He was always a little heathen。 Brideshead was one for church； not Sebastian。 And a beard； only fancy； such a nice fair skin as he had； always looked clean though he'd not been near water all day； while Brideshead there was no doing anything with； scrub as you might。'
'It's frightening；' Julia once said； 'to think how pletely you have forgotten Sebastian。'
'He was the forerunner。'
'That's what you said 'in the storm。 I've thought since； perhaps I am only a forerunner； too。'
'Perhaps；' I thought； while her words still hung in the air between us like a wisp of tobacco smoke … a thought to fade and vanish like； smoke without a trace … 'perhaps all our loves are merely hints and symbols； vagabond…language scrawled on gate…posts and paving…stones along the weary road that other have tramped before us； perhaps you and I are types and this sadness which sometimes falls between us springs from disappointment in。 our search； each straining through and beyond the other； snatching a glimpse now and then of the shadow which turns the corner always a pace or two ahead of us。'
I had not forgotten Sebastian。 He was with me daily in Julia； or rather it was Julia I had known in him； in those distant Arcadian days。
'That's cold fort for a girl；' she said when I tried to explain。 'How do I know I shan't suddenly turn out to be somebody else？ It's an easy way to chuck。'
I had not forgotten Sebastian； every stone of the house had a memory of him； and hearing him spoken of by Cordelia as someone she had seen a month ago； my lost friend filled my thoughts。 When we left the nursery； I said； 'I want to hear all about Sebastian。'
'Tomorrow。 It's a long story。'
And next day； walking through the windswept park； she told me：
'I heard he was dying； ' she said。 'A journalist in Burgos told me； who'd just arrived from North Africa。 A down…and…out called Flyte； who people said was an English lord； whom the fathers had found starving and taken in at a monastery near Carthage。 That was how the story reached me。 I knew it couldn't be quite true … however little we did for Sebastian； he at least got his money sent him … but I started off at once。
'It was all quite easy。 I went to the consulate first and they knew all about him； he was in the infirmary of the head house of some missionary fathers。 The consul's story was that Sebastian had turned up in Tunis one day in a motor bus from Algiers； and had applied to be taken on as a missionary lay…brother。 The Fathers took one look at him and turned him down。 Then he started drinking。 He lived in a little hotel on the edge of the Arab quarter。 I went to see the place later； it was a bar with a few rooms over it； kept by a Greek； smelling of hot oil and garlic and stale wine and old clothes； a place where the small Greek traders came and played draughts and listened to the wireless。 He stayed there a month drinking Greek absinthe； occasionally wandering out； they didn't know where； ing back and drinking again。 They were afraid he would e to harm …and followed him sometimes； but he only went to the church or took a car to the monastery outside the town。 They loved him there。 He's still loved； you see； wherever he goes； whatever condition he's in。 It's a thing about him he'll never lose。 You should have heard the proprietor and his family talk of him； tears running down their cheeks； they'd clearly robbed him right and left； but they'd looked after him and tried to make him eat his food。 That was the thing that shocked them about him； that he wouldn't eat； there he was with all that money； so thin。 Some of the clients of the place came in while we were talking in very peculiar' French； they all had the same story； such a good man； they said； it made them unhappy to see him so low。 They thought very ill of his family for leaving him like that； it couldn't happen with their people； they said； and I daresay they're right。
'Anyway； that was later； after the consulate I went straight to the monastery and saw the Superior。 He was a grim old Dutchman who had spent fifty years in Central Africa。 He told me his part of the story； how Sebastian had turned up； just as the consul said； with his beard and a suitcase； and asked to be admitted as a lay brother。 〃He was very earnest；〃 the Superior said' Cordelia imitated his…guttural tones； she had an aptitude for mimicry； I remembered； in the schoolroom … ' 〃Please do not think there is any doubt of that … he is quite sane and …quite in earnest。〃 He wanted to go to the bush； as far away as he could get； among the simplest people； to the cannibals。 The Superior said： 〃We have no cannibals in our missions。〃 He said； well； pygmies would do； or just a primitive village somewhere on a river； or lepers； lepers would do best of anything。 The Superior said： 〃We have plenty of lepers； but they live in our settlements with doctors and nuns。 It is all very orderly。〃 He thought again； and said perhaps lepers were not what he wanted； was there not some small church by a river … he always wanted a river you see which he could look after when the priest was away。 The Superior said： 〃Yes； there are such churches。 Now tell me about yourself。〃 〃Oh； I'm nothing；〃 he said。 〃We see some queer fish；〃 ' Cordelia lapsed again into mimicry； ' 〃he was a queer fish but he was very earnest。〃 The Superior told him about the novitiate and the training and said： 〃You are not a young man。 You do not seem strong to me。〃 He said： 〃No； I don't want to be trained。 I don't want to do things that need training。〃 The Superior said： 〃My friend； you need a missionary for yourself；〃 and he said： 〃Yes； of course。〃 Then he sent him away。
'Next day he came back again。 He had been drinking。 He said he had decided to bee a novice and be trained。 〃Well；〃 said the Superior； 〃there are certain things that are impossible for a man in the bush。 One of them is drinking。 It is not the worst thing； but it is nevertheless quite fatal。 I sent him away。〃 Then he kept ing two or three times a week； always drunk； until the Superior gave orders that the porter was to keep him out。 I said； 〃Oh dear； I'm afraid he was a terrible nuisance to you；〃 but of course that's a thing they don't understand in a place like that。 The Superior simply said； 〃I did not think there was anything I could do to help him except pray。〃 He was a very holy old man and recognized it in others。'
'Holiness？'
'Oh yes； Charles； that's what you've got to understand about Sebastian。
'Well； finally one day they found Sebastian lying outside the main gate unconscious； he had walked out … usually he took a car … and fallen down and lain there all night。 At first they thought he was merely drunk again； then they realized he was very ill； so they put him in the infirmary； where he's been ever since。
'I stayed a fortnight with him till he was over the worst of his illness。 He looked terrible； any age； rather bald with a straggling beard； but he had his old sweet manner。 They'd given him a room to himself； it was barely more than a monk's cell with a bed and a crucifix and white walls。 At first he couldn't talk much and was not at all surprised to see me； then he was surprised and wouldn't talk much； until just before I was going； when he told me all that had been happening to him。 It was mostly about Kurt； his German friend。 Well； you met him； so you know all about that。 He sounds gruesome； but as long as Sebastian had him to look after； he was happy。 He told me he'd practically given up drinking at one time while he and K