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n't e off either。 When Julia had her ball I was allowed down for an hour； to sit in the corner with Aunt Fanny； and she said； 〃In six years' time you'll have all this。〃。。。I hope I've got a vocation。'
'I don't know what that means。'
'It means you can be a nun。 If you haven't a vocation it's no good however much you want to be； and if you have a vocation； you can't get away from it； however much you hate it。 Bridey thinks he has a vocation and hasn't。 I used to think Sebastian had and hated it … but I don't know now。 Everything has changed so much suddenly。'
But I had no patience with this convent chatter。 I had felt the brush take life in my hand that afternoon； I had had my finger in the great； succulent pie of creation。 I was a man of the Renaissance that evening … of Browning's renaissance。 I； who had walked the streets of Rome in Genoa velvet and had seen the stars through Galileo's tube； spurned the friars； with their dusty tomes and their sunken； jealous eyes and their crabbed hairsplitting speech。
'You'll fall in love；' I said。
'Oh； pray not。 I say； do you think I could have another of those scrumptious meringues？'
BOOK THREE
A TWITCH UPON THE THREAD
＇1＇
MY theme is memory； that winged host that soared about me one grey morning of war…time。
These memories； which are my life … for we possess nothing certainly except the past … were always with me。 Like the pigeons of St Mark's； they were everywhere； under my feet； singly； in pairs； in little honey…voiced congregations； nodding； strutting； winking； rolling the tender feathers of their necks； perching sometimes； if I stood still； on my shoulder； until； suddenly； the noon gun boomed and in a moment； with a flutter and sweep of wings； the pavement was bare and the whole sky above dark with a tumult of fowl。 Thus it was that morning of war…time。
For nearly ten dead years after that evening with Cordelia I was borne along a road outwardly full of change and incident； but never during that time； except sometimes in my painting … and that at longer and longer intervals … did I e alive as I had been during the time of my friendship with Sebastian。 I took it to be youth； not life； that I was losing。 My work upheld me； for I had chosen to do what I could do well； did better daily； and liked doing； incidentally it was something which no one else at that time was attempting to do。 I became an architectural painter。
More even than the work of the great architects； I loved buildings that grew silently with the centuries； catching and keeping the best of each generation； while time curbed the artist's pride and the Philistine's vulgarity； and repaired the clumsiness of the dull workman。 In such buildings England abounded； and； in the last decade of their grandeur； Englishmen seemed for the first time to bee conscious of what before was taken for granted； and to salute their achievement at the moment of extinction。 Hence my prosperity； far beyond my merits； my work had nothing to remend it except my growing technical skill； enthusiasm for my subject； and independence of popular notions。
The financial slump of the period； which left many painters without employment； served to enhance my success； which was； indeed； itself a symptom of the decline。 When the water…holes were dry people sought to drink at the mirage。 After my first exhibition I was called to all parts of the country to make portraits of houses that were soon to be deserted or debased； indeed； my arrival seemed often to be only a few paces ahead of the auctioneer's； a presage of doom。
I published three splendid folios … Ryder's Country Seats； Ryder's English Homes； and Ryder's Village and Provincial Architecture； which each sold its thousand copies at five guineas apiece。 I seldom failed to please； for there was no conflict between myself and my patrons； we both wanted the same thing。 But； as the years passed； I began to mourn the loss of something I had known in the drawing…room of Marchmain House and once or twice since； the intensity and singleness and the belief that it was not all done by hand … in a word； the inspiration。
In quest of this fading light I went abroad； in the augustan manner； laden with the apparatus of my trade； for two years' refreshment among alien styles。 I did not go to Europe； her treasures were safe； too safe； swaddled in expert care； obscured by reverence。 Europe could wait。 There would be a time for Europe； I thought； all too soon the days would e when I should need a man at my side to put up my easel and carry my paints； when I could not venture more than an hour's journey from a good hotel； when I should need soft breezes and mellow sunshine all day long； then I would take my old eyes to Germany and Italy。 Now while I had the strength I would go to the wild lands where man had deserted his post and the jungle was creeping back to its old strongholds。
Accordingly； by slow but not easy stages； I travelled through Mexico and Central America in a world which had all I needed； and the change from parkland and hall should have quickened me and set me right with myself。 I sought inspiration among gutted palaces and cloisters embowered in weed； derelict churches where the vampire…bats hung in the dome like dry seed…pods and only the ants were ceaselessly astir tunnelling in the rich stalls； cities where no road led； and mausoleums where a single； agued family of Indians sheltered from the rains。 There in great labour； sickness； and occasionally in some danger； I made the first drawings for Ryder's Latin America。 Every few weeks I came to rest； finding myself once more in the zone of trade or tourism； recuperated； set up my studio； transcribed my sketches； anxiously packed the plete canvases； dispatched them to my New York agent； and then set out again； with my small retinue； into the wastes。
I was in no great pains to keep in touch with England。 I followed local advice for my itinerary and had no settled route； so that much of my mail never reached me； and the rest accumulated until there was more than could be read at a sitting。 I used to stuff a bundle of letters into my bag and read them when I felt inclined； which was in circumstances so incongruous swinging in my hammock； under the net； by the light of a storm…lantern； drifting down river； amidships in the canoe； with the boys astern of me lazily keeping our nose out of the bank； with the dark water keeping pace with us； in the green shade； with the great trees towering above us and the monkeys screeching in the sunlight； high overhead among the flowers on the roof of the forest； on the veranda of a hospitable ranch； where the ice and the dice clicked； and a tiger cat played with its chain on the mown grass … that they seemed voices so distant as to be meaningless； their matter passed clean through the mind； and out leaving no mark； like the facts about themselves which fellow travellers distribute so freely in American railway trains。
But despite this isolation and this long sojourn in a strange world； I remained unchanged； still a small part of myself pretending to be whole。 I discarded the experiences of those two years with my tropical kit and returned to New York as I had set out。 I had a fine haul … eleven paintings and fifty odd drawings and when eventually I exhibited them in London； the art critics many of whom hitherto had been patronizing in tone； as my success invited； acclaimed a new and richer note in my work。 Mr Ryder； the most respected of them wrote； rises like a fresh young trout to the hypodermic injection of a new culture and discloses a powerful facet in the vista of his potentialities。。。。By focusing the frankly traditional battery of his elegance and erudition on the maelstrom of barbarism； Mr Ryder has at last found himself。
Grateful words； but； alas； not true by a long chalk。 My wife； who crossed to New York to meet me and saw the fruits of our separation displayed in my agent's office； summed the thing up better by saying： 'Of course； I can see they're perfectly brilliant and really rather beautiful in a sinister way； but somehow I don't feel they are quite you。'
In Europe my wife was sometimes taken for an American because of her dapper and