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少年维特之烦恼(英文版)-第9章

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as frugally and economically as possible, but you must pardon me for
having defrauded you for thirty years。 At the mencement of our married
life, you allowed a small sum for the wants of the kitchen , and the
other household expenses。 When our establishment increased and our property
grew larger , I could not persuade you to increase the weekly allowance
in proportion : in short , you know , that , when our wants were greatest,
you required me to supply everything with seven florins a week。 I took
the money from you without an observation , but made up the weekly deficiency
from the money…chest; as nobody would suspect your wife of robbing the
household bank。 But I have wasted nothing , and should have been content
to meet my eternal Judge without this confession, if she , upon whom
the management of your establishment will devolve after my decease, would
be free from embarrassment upon your insisting that the allowance made
to me , your former wife , was sufficient。〃

  I talked with Charlotte of the inconceivable manner in which men allow
themselves to be blinded; how any one could avoid suspecting some deception,
when seven florins only were allowed to defray expenses twice as great。
But I have myself known people who believed , without any visible astonishment,
that their house possessed the prophet's never…failing cruse of oil。

  JULY 13。 No , I am not deceived。 In her dark eyes I read a genuine
interest in me and in my fortunes。 Yes, I feel it; and I may believe
my own heart which tells me —— dare I say it?—— dare I pronounce
the divine words?—— that she loves me!

  That she loves me ! How the idea exalts me in my own eyes! And,
as you can understand my feelings , I may say to you , how I honour
myself since she loves me !

  Is this presumption , or is it a consciousness of the truth? I do
not know a man able to supplant me in the heart of Charlotte; and yet
when she speaks of her betrothed with so much warmth and affection, I
feel like the soldier who has been stripped of his honours and titles ,
and deprived of his sword。

  JULY 16。 How my heart beats when by accident I touch her finger ,
or my feet meet hers under the table! I draw back as if from a furnace
; but a secret force impels me forward again , and my senses bee
disordered。 Her innocent, unconscious heart never knows what agony these
little familiarities inflict upon me。 Sometimes when we are talking she
Iays her hand upon mine , and in the eagerness of conversation es
closer to me, and her balmy breath reaches my lips ,—— when I feel
as if lightning had struck me , and that I could sink into the earth。
And yet , Wilhelm, with all this heavenly confidence,—— if I know
myself, and should ever dare —— you understand me。 No, no ! my heart
is not so corrupt , it is weak , weak enough but is not that a degree
of corruption ?

  She is to me a sacred being。 All passion is still in her presence
: I cannot express my sensations when I am near her。 I feel as if my
soul beat in every nerve of my body。 There is a melody which she plays
on the piano with angelic skill ,—— so simple is it, and yet so spiritual!
It is her favourite air ; and, when she plays the first note, all pain,
care, and sorrow disappear from me in a moment。

  I believe every word that is said of the magic of ancient music。 How
her simple song enchants me ! Sometimes, when I am ready to mit suicide,
she sings that air; and instantly the gloom and madness which hung over
me are dispersed, and I breathe freely again。

  JULY 18。 Wilhelm, what is the world to our hearts without love ?
What is a magic…lantern without light ? You have but to kindle the flame
within, and the brightest figures shine on the white wall; and, if
love only show us fleeting shadows, we are yet happy , when , like
mere children , we behold them , and are transported with the splendid
phantoms。 I have not been able to see Charlotte to…day。 I was prevented
by pany from which I could not disengage myself。 What was to be done?
I sent my servant to her house, that I might at least see somebody to…day
who had been near her。 Oh , the impatience with which I waited for his
return! the joy with which I weled him! I should certainly have caught
him in my arms, and kissed him , if I had not been ashamed。

  It is said that the Bonona stone, when placed in the sun , attracts
the rays, and for a time appears luminous in the dark。 So was it with
me and this servant。 The idea that Charlotte's eyes had dwelt on his countenance,
his cheek , his very apparel , endeared them all inestimably to me,
so that at the moment I would not have parted from him for a thousand
crowns。 His presence made me so happy ! Beware of laughing at me , Wilhelm。
Can that be a delusion which makes us happy ?

  JULY 19。 〃I shall see her today !〃 I exclaim with delight, when
I rise in the morning , and look out with gladness of heart at the bright,
beautiful sun。 〃I shall see her today !〃 And then I have no further wish
to form : all, all is included in that one thought。

  JULY 2O。 I cannot assent to your proposal that I should acpany
the ambassador to _______。 I do not love subordination; and we all know
that he is a rough, disagreeable person to be connected with。 You say
my mother wishes me to be employed。 I could not help laughing at that。
Am I not sufficiently employed? And is it not in reality the same, whether
I shell peas or count lentils ? The world runs on from one folly to another
; and the man who, solely from regard to the opinion of others, and
without any wish or necessity of his own, toils after gold , honour ,
or any other phantom, is no better than a fool。

  JULY 24。 You insist so much on my not neglecting my drawing , that
it would be as well for me to say nothing as to confess how little I have
lately done。

  I never felt happier, I never understood nature better , even down
to the veriest stem or smallest blade of grass; and yet I am unable to
express myself: my powers of execution are so weak , everything seems
to swim and float before me , so that I cannot make a clear, bold outline。
But I fancy I should succeed better if I had some clay or wax to model。
I shall try , if this state of mind continues much longer, and will
take to modelling , if I only knead dough。

  I have menced Charlotte's portrait three times , and have as often
disgraced myself。 This is the more annoying , as I was formerly very
happy in taking likenesses。 I have since sketched her profile , and must
content myself with that。

  JULY 25。 Yes, dear Charlotte ! I will order and arrange everything。
Only give me more missions , the more the better。 One thing , however,
I must request: use no more writing…sand with the dear notes you send
me。 Today I raised your letter hastily to my lips , and it set my teeth
on edge。

  JULY 26。 I have often determined not to see her so frequently。 But
who could keep such a resolution? Every day I am exposed to the temptation,
and promise faithfully that to…morrow I will really stay away : but,
when tomorrow es , I find some irresistible reason for seeing her
; and, before I can account for it, I am with her again。 Either she
has said on the previous evening 〃You will be sure to call to…morrow,
〃 —— and who could stay away then ?——or she gives me some mission,
and I find it essential to take her the answer in person; or the day
is fine , and I walk to Walheim; and, when I am there, it is only
half a league farther to her。 I am within the charmed atmosphere, and
soon find myself at her side。 My grandmother used to tell us a story of
a mountain of loadstone。 When any vessels came near it, they were instantly
deprived of their ironwork: the nails flew to the mountain , and the
unhappy crew perished amidst the disjointed planks。

  JULY 30。 Albert is arrived, and I must take my departure。 Were he
the best and noblest of men , and I in every respect his inferior, I
could not endure to see him in possession of suc
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