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s only exercising his clear and painful duty； he wasresponsible； after all； for Elisha； as Praying Mother Washington was responsible for Ella Mae。 It was not an easy thing； said Father James； to be the pastor of a flock。 It might look easy to just situp there in the pulpit night after night； year in； year out； but let them remember the awfulresponsibility placed on his shoulders by almighty God—let them remember that God would askan accounting of him one day for every soul in his flock。 Let them remember this when theythough he was hard； let them remember that the Word was hard； that the way of holiness was ahard way。 There was no room in God’s army for the coward heart； no crown awaiting him who putmother； or father； sister； or brother； sweetheart； or friend above God’s will。 Let the church cryamen to this！ And they cried： ‘Amen！ Amen！’
The Lord had led him； said Father James； looking down on the boy and girl before him； togive them a public warning before it was too late。 For he knew them to be sincere young people；dedicate to the service of the Lord—it was only that； since they were young； they did not know thepitfall Satan laid for the unwary。 He knew that sin was not in their minds—not yet； yet sin was inthe flesh； and should they continue with their walking out alone together； their secrets andlaughter； and touching of hands； they would surely sin a sin beyond all forgiveness。 And Johnwondered what Elisha was thinking—Elisha ； who was tall and handsome； who played basket…ball；and who had been saved at the age of eleven in the improbable fields down south。 Had he sinned？
Had he been tempted？ And the girl beside him； whose white robes now seemed the merest；thinnest covering for the nakedness of breasts and insistent thighs—what was her face like whenshe was alone with Elisha； with no singing； when they were not surrounded by the saints？ He wasafraid to think of it； yet he could think of nothing else； and the fever of which they stood accusedbegan also to rage him。
After this Sunday Elisha and Ella Mae no longer met each other each day after school； nolonger spent Saturday afternoons wandering through Central Park； or lying on the beach。 All thatwas over for them。 If they came together again it would be in wedlock。 They would have childrenand raise them in the church。
This was what was meant by a holy life； this was what the way of the cross demanded。 Itwas somehow on that Sunday； a Sunday shortly before his birthday； that John first realized thatthis was the life awaiting him—realized it consciously； as something no longer far off； butimminent； ing closer day by day。
John’s birthday fell on a Sunday in March； in 1935。 He awoke on this birthday morning with thefeeling that there was menace in the air around him—that something irrevocable had occurred inhim。 He stared at a yellow stain on the ceiling just above his head。 Roy was still smothered in thebedclothes； and his breath came and went with a small； whistling sound。 There was no other soundanywhere； no one in the house was up。 The neighbors’ radios were all silent； and his mother hadn’tyet risen to fix his father’s breakfast。 John wondered at his panic； then wondered about the time；and then （while the yellow stain on the ceiling slowly transformed itself into a woman’snakedness） he remembered that it was his fourteenth birthday and that he had sinned。
His first thought； nevertheless； was： ‘Will anyone remember？’ For it had happened； once ortwice； that his birthday had passed entirely unnoticed； and no one had said ‘Happy Birthday；Johnny；’ or given him anything—not even his mother。
Roy stirred again and John pushed him away； listening to the silence。 On other mornings heawoke hearing his mother singing in the kitchen； hearing his father in the bedroom behind himgrunting and muttering prayers to himself as he put on his clothes； hearing； perhaps； the chatter ofSarah and the squalling of Ruth； and the radios； the clatter of pots and pans； and the voices of allthe folk nearby。 This morning not even the cry of a bedspring disturbed the silence； and Johnseemed； therefore； to be listening to his own unspeaking doom。 He could believe； almost； that hehad awakened late on that great getting…up morning； that all the saved had been transformed in thetwinkling of an eye； and had risen to meet Jesus in the clouds； and that he was left； with his sinfulbody； to be bound in hell a thousand years。
He had sinned。 In spite of the saints； his mother and his father； the warning he had heardfrom his earliest beginnings； he had sinned with his hands a sin that was hard to forgive。 In theschool lavatory； alone； thinking of the boys； older； bigger； braver； who made bets with each otheras to whose urine could arch higher； he had watched in himself a transformation of which hewould never dare to speak。
And the darkness of John’s sin was like the darkness of the church on Saturday evenings；like the silence of the church while he was there alone； sweeping； and running water into the greatbucket； and overturning chairs； long before the saints arrived。 It was like his thoughts as he movedabout the tabernacle in which his life had been spent； the tabernacle hated； yet loved and feared。 Itwas like Roy’s curses； like the echoes these curses raised in John： he remembered Roy； on somerare Saturday when he had e to help John clean the church； cursing in the house of God； andmaking obscene gestures before the eyes of Jesus。 It was like all this； and it was like the walls thatwitnessed and the placards on the walls which testified that the wages of sin was death。 Thedarkness of his sin was in the hardheartedness with which he resisted God’s power； in the scornthat was often his while he listened to the crying； breaking voices； and watched the black skinglisten while they lifted up their arms and fell on their faces before the Lord。 For he had made hisdecision。 He would not be like his father； or his father’s fathers。 He would have another life。
For John excelled in school； though not； like Elisha； in mathematics or basket…ball； and itwas said that he had a Great Future。 He might bee a Great Leader of His People。 John was notmuch interested in His people and still less in leading them anywhere； but the phrase so oftenrepeated rose in his mind like a great brass gate； opening outward for him on a world where peopledid not live in the darkness of his father’s house； did not pray to Jesus in the darkness of hisfather’s church； where he would eat good food； and wear fine clothes； and go to the movies asoften as he wished。 In this world John； who was； his father said； ugly； who was always the smallestboy in his class； and who had no friends； became immediately beautiful； tall； and popular。 Peoplefell all over themselves to meet John Grimes。 He was a poet； or a college president； or a moviestar； he drank expensive whisky； and he smoke Lucky Strike cigarettes in the green package。
It was not only colored people who praised John； since they could not； John felt； in anycase really know； but white people also said it； in fact had said it first and said it still。 It was whenJohn was five years old and in the first grade that he was first noticed； and since he was noticed byan eye altogether alien and impersonal； he began to perceive； in wild uneasiness； his individualexistence。
They were learning the alphabet that day； and six children at a time were sent to theblackboard to write the letters they had memorized。 Six had finished and were waiting for theteacher’s judgment when the back door opened and the school principal； of whom everyone wasterrified； entered the room； No one spoke or moved。 In the silence the principal’s voice said：
‘Which child is that？’
She was pointing to the blackboard； at John’s letters。 The possibility of being distinguishedby her notice did not enter John’s mind； and so he simply stared at her。 Then he realized； by theimmobility of the other children and by the way they avoided looking at him； that it was he whowas selected for punishment。
“Speak up； John；’ said the teacher； gently。
On the edge of tears； he mumbled his name and waited。 The principal； a woman with whitehair and an iron fac